Reading Metalia’s post about the “anti-Bucket list” – the “F*ck-it list” – inspired me to think about those things that I absolutely have no desire to do before I shuffle off this mortal coil. So in a blatant display of blog post-thievery, and also because my current slightly depressive state isn’t allowing me to write anything more original, here is my version.
1. Watch a James Bond film
I have tried so, so many times to watch one of these all the way through but never succeeded. I love the songs, and I have even hosted a 007 New Year’s Eve party (which had a disastrous ending, although I won’t go into that), but the films are dreadful, and I can’t do it.
2. Own a dog
They smell, they need walking, and when they lick you it’s like being slobbered over by a wet ham. Give me a cat any day of the week.
3. Ride pillion on a motorbike
They may look cool, but I have heard so many horror stories about what happens in a motorbike crash that my desire to ride like Kelly McGillis in Top Gun has been forever crushed.
4. Get a fake tan
Pale and interesting is better than being Cuprinol brown and resembling David Dickinson. Some people are meant to be brown, but I am not one of them.
5. Have a bikini wax
So let me get this straight: I have to get undressed in front of a complete stranger, don a pair of paper knickers, allow them to spread hot wax over my most intimate area, and then rip out every single hair by its roots? And I have to pay for this? Cream does the trick, thank you very much.
6. Read the remaining three books in the “Hitchhikers’ Guide to the Galaxy” series
I’ve read the first one, and I found it boring. So I refuse to bother with the rest, no matter how many people tell me they’re hilarious and lifechanging and that Douglas Adams was a genius.
7. Visit Australia
Despite growing up on a diet on Neighbours and Home & Away, I have absolutely no desire to visit Australia. Why would I want to spend 24 hours cramped into a sardine can to reach a country where temperatures regularly go over 35 degrees and there are more creatures that can kill you than any other place in the world?
8. Run a marathon
It improves your fitness levels, it’s a huge personal achievement and also raises money for charity, but I would still rather find less sweaty and painful methods of achieving these things.
9. Get a tattoo
I love wearing certain styles of jewellery and clothes, but I can’t be certain that I’ll still love them twenty years down the line. The same goes for a permanent design branded onto my own skin – what I may think is fantastic and very “me” now will not necessarily be the case when I’m 45. Also there are very few places on the body that are untrammelled by the ravages of time and sagging skin – and that ain’t gonna look pretty.
10. Make my own digestive biscuits
Life is too short, Nigella Lawson.